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Wednesday 4 July 2007

I Know I'm Paranoid But - They Really Are Out To Get Me


I am going to suspend my self-imposed no-swearing-from-now-on rule for the following.
Fucking Hell!! This makes me so mad!!!
Ok, file the following under "H" for "Haven't They Got Anything Better To Do?"
The landlord of the pub just down the road from me told me that last night, at about 7pm, two little old ladies wandered into his hostelry. He said they were apparently in their 60s, blue-rinsed, with granny-style overcoats and clutching the sort of little handbags only grannies carry and they proceeded to mooch around the pub, searching out all the nooks and crannies. After about 15 minutes they headed for the front door, apparently intent on leaving, whereupon the landlord pounced on them in the hope of flogging them something, if only his dodgy chicken and chips.
They turned to him and said: "Oh, it's all right, deary. We're being paid by the council. We were just here to check that you didn't have any ashtrays out and no-one was smoking."
Can you fucking believe that!!!! The fucking council round here has recruited the fucking Snoop Sisters and various other bleedin' pensioners to crack down on the biggest single threat to face this country since Hitler dreamed up Operation Sealion.
First of all, it's nice to know where your fucking council tax is going. Secondly, have they got an army of coffin-dodgers out there checking that your dog never craps in public, no-one tosses a used burger box into the street or your catalytic converter is working properly and not poisoning us all to death? I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO!!!!

Don't get me wrong. I'm a 40-a-day man and I desperately want to quit - and I will. What gets me is the holier than thou attitude of these bastard health Nazis who are out of control now. They don't fucking care about what THEY are doing to pollute the world. If there was one rule for all across the board then it would be easier to swallow - but there isn't!!
As to recruiting Bible-crammers to catch out illicit smokers, what are they going to do if they find some 19-stone thug pulling on a tab? Do me a favour.
Fuck 'em, fuck 'em all. I've sent them before but the fucking "holier than thou" bastard health Nazis - who aren't bothered about the shite poured out of their cars' exhausts or the rubbish dropped by their brats, or the drain on the public purse which their spawn represent - can go to Grantham.
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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I wish I'd been in there at the time. I'd have given them a proper good kicking. Let's see if smoking in bars this month is still as high on their agenda of social problems to be solved when they're in Smethwick Neurosurgery Hospital.

BGT

6 July 2007 at 00:33:00 GMT

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WEDNESDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2007

SHORTS DON'T MATTER! 1. From the greatest programme ever made about association football, Barnstoneworth United FC manager Mr Dainty delivers one of the finest English soliloqiues of all time.......and afterwards, spare a thought for the club steward's wife Vera (YOU ONLY HAVE TO WATCH HALF OF THE CLIP!!).

Monday, 12 November 2007

Not everyone who agonises over their life is a painter. Some of us agonise because we're NOT painters.

....And On the Subject of Great Public Services

I know most of you have heard this marvellous song by those doctors who are the Amateur Transplants......but I think the video is a nice addition. P.S. If there are kids in the room I'd shuffle them out before hitting play.

...There's More

On the subject of those great doctors, here is their version of More Than Words which presents their challenging views on women outside Watford. The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither, coming from Cumbria, is a huge fan. Again, get those kids out of the room!

Leave Britney Alone, Ok!!!

Oh...........my............God!!!!! My heartfelt thanks go to BGT for this. I won't say much more, I don't need to. Mr Loony of Loonytown, USA (I think it's a bloke, anyway), says it all. I fear he may be wound too tight for.....well.....well for everywhere, really!

Tuesday, 18 September 2007.

I wish I'd sung this! For non-Americans, and with apologies to all the smart arses out there who already knew, the FCC is the Federal Communications Commission and it monitors TV and radio output in the States - a sort of broadcast police - while the EPA is the Yanks' so-called Environmental Protection Agency, a body which does exactly the opposite of what it says on the can. (P.S. We went to the same school, you know? Eric and me, that is, not George, Martha, Dick and Condoleeza and me. I don't think they went to school.) P.P.S. Please see below if you are I Like The View, Malc or Doris.

To Make You Laugh and Cry

I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons. On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 4.2
Mind: 4.1
Body: 2.7
Spirit: 8
Friends/Family: 1.6
Love: 0
Finance: 5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"

I First Saw This When I Was Little - And Loved It! I Hope That Explains a Few Things

Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It has been pointed out to me that, particularly for one whose profession is supposedly literary, my language is getting worse. My use of the "F" word is, I am told, far too prevalent and hence loses impact. To those who share this view I suggest you watch the following:

Tony Blair Isn't a Burglar - But If He Was.........

In the spirit of Gustav Holst's Jupiter and Manfred Mann's Earth Band, I feel like raising a smile today. The Big Green Thing alerted me to this and, for no other reason than to raise a smile on an otherwise crap Wednesday, I think it has to be shared. Grantham shall not have him - when he gets out of prison.

Life On The Edge - No Net.

I was wrong when I feared it might be a dull weekend, what with my pals being away, my soon-to-be ex-wife in rehab and only the dogs to play with. How wrong can a man be? This much fun must surely be illegal? Just click to see the japes and hoots I am having! Click again to see how things got REALLy exciting! Tomorrow we're going to chase pigeons.

The Good Old U.S. of A. - Guardians of Freedom and Democracy. Nothing to Be Scared of, Then?

Be honest........

Who fucking cares!!

IT'S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND HIT "FULL QUIZ".