Deputy Dawg Fight

I don't know about you but I'm getting a trifle fed up with "that" contest.
You know, the one featuring a bunch of shallow, talentless, self-obsessed, celebrity-hungry, greedy, thick freaks all trying to outdo each other with their game plans and dirty tricks in the hope of triumphing in The House and landing the ultimate prize of fame and fortune.
Yes, the New Labour deputy leadership contest is really getting on my tits! Who fucking cares?!? How anyone in their right mind can think that landing a job which apparently involves getting fat, having an awful spouse with a flea-infested, busby-style hairdo, cheating on said spouse with a morally casual no-mark, getting even fatter and then travelling around the country punching members of the public is a goal to be aimed at beats me. Landing the deputy leadership is the political equivalent of being Eddie the Eagle's less talented brother. It's as desirable as coming second in the F A Cup final. It's as challenging and action-packed as being Yule Brynner's fucking barber!
As befits a job which is a pile of steaming donkey's doo-dahs, the contenders are all glycogenically contained vacuums. Who have we got? Keir Hardie? Ramsay MacDonald? Herbert Morrison? No! Admittedly, the aforementioned chaps are all dead but that doesn't appear to have put some of the actual contenders off applying. Let us consider, for a moment, the names in the frame.
Hilary Benn (his dad must be so proud) - Our Hil - poor bastard! I bet everyone used to kick the shit out of him at school - used to be a big noise on Ealing Council (would you put that on your CV?)
His main claim to fame is that when Blair came to power in 1997 he was made a "special advisor" to David Blunkett! That doesn't really bode well, does it, considering the complete and utter fuck-up Blunkett made of his career? Advice along the lines of "keep it in your fucking pants, Beardy!" would have gone a long way to fulfilling his role properly. Hilly Baby is currently Secretary of State for International Development but that's a job none of us should take seriously as it is so close to that of a Python political character who told his interviewer that he would like to answer the question put to him in two ways, "one, in my normal voice, and the other in a sort of high-pitched whine."
Hazel Blears (does she?) - Yet another fucking lawyer, and a Manc to boot! This woman's history in contests is not glorious because she once stood against Neil Hamilton - and lost!
The one thing I will say for her is that she actually represents her home town seat (Salford), and there ain't many who do that. Her claim to fame is that, while at the Department of Health, she was responsible for the "five-a-day" fruit campaign - thanks, Hazel. It's not exactly the foundation of the welfare state though, is it? If you're thinking of putting your money on her, here's an omen for you. Earlier this month part of her campaign office in central London collapsed into the street!
Jon Cruddas (my thoughts exactly! Who?) - That's Jon's trouble, you see? No-one has heard of him.
That's a pity because he is a Labour man, not a New Labour man, and has not only decried Blair for abandoning Labour's traditional voters to go recruiting in Daily Mail land but also rebelled against the government on university top-up fees, the limiting of asylum seekers' rights, the replacement of the comprehensive education system with trust schools and proposals to renew the UK's Trident nuclear weapons submarine system (us older types will do a double-take reading all that - yes, they really all are Labour policies!!!). My problem with Jonny Boy is that I seem to remember Prescott was a left-winger and union activist (the "Mouth of the Humber"?). Sadly, he ditched his supposedly beloved National Union of Seamen the moment it needed his support because alignment with ordinary working people would have clashed with Blairism and he abandoned yet more of his socialist principles subsequently to ensure he enjoyed all the goodies on the New Labour bandwagon. No doubt Cruddas will do the same.
Peter Hain - Hain has a major headstart on all his rivals. The former South African and anti-apartheid campaigner already has a criminal record, having been convicted of criminal conspiracy in 1972 after he supposedly led a group which interfered with tours to Britain by the South African rugby and cricket teams.
Most of New Labour's leading lights do not get potted by the filth until they have been in power for at least a couple of years! Just two years later he was charged with armed robbery (seriously) but was acquitted after it was argued that a double of his had actually done the deed! Another advantage he has is his inability to make up his mind when it comes to political principles. Whereas Blair and his cohorts told us all they were Labour but, in fact, they turned out to be rabid Tories, Hain started off as a Liberal but changed sides in 1977. He also showed his suitability for Blair's kind of government when, as a previously vocal supporter of Irish unity, he promptly changed his mind when he was appointed Secretary of State for Northern Ireland.
Alan Johnson - A former union activist ideologically aligned to the Communist Party, Johnson was, however, the only senior union bod to support the abolition of Clause IV. Intriguingly, in 2000 he was appointed Minister for Higher Education. He would have had to do quite a bit of revision on the subject area the night before as he left fucking school at 15!
Johnson's personal stationers are thought to work longer hours than the average Taiwanese sweatshop slaves because in September 2004 he was Secretary of State for Work and Pensions but a year later was appointed Secretary of State for Productivity, Energy and Industry, a department which soon reverted to its old name of the Department For Trade and Industry and then, the following year, his brief was changed again, this time to Secretary of State for Education and Skills(when he replaced the fuckwit who is Ruth Kelly). No doubt his hard-pressed sign-writers are dreading him landing the deputy leader's job.
Harriet Harman (I have saved the best until last - I fucking HATE this woman) - Yes, another bastard lawyer!! This waste of space's socialist credentials are impeccable - her aunty is Elizabeth, Countess of Longford, and she was educated at St Paul's Girls' School, London.
Her husband is Jack Dromey. You know? The one who, despite being Labour Party Treasurer, claimed that he was unaware of £3.5 million worth of loans made to the party by three individuals who were subsequently nominated for life peerages! Could 'appen! She frequently struggles with her conscience, and always loses, like when, as Secretary of State For Health, she sent her eldest spawn to a grant maintained school, and then her younger son to St Olave's Grammar School in Orpington, Kent, despite Labour's official policy being to oppose those forms of education. Harman made an absolute balls-up of her subsequent job as Secretary of State for Social Security and was sacked from the Cabinet in 1988 - but being shite has never been a drawback in New Labour. She came tearing back in 2001 as Solicitor General, the first bird to hold the job. Being a woman is something slimeball Harriet has used again and again to steal a march over her rivals. She has said that a man and a woman would make a good team as Prime Minister and deputy leader and was what this country needed - but she failed to say fucking why!! When you're only claim to suitability for a position is that you bleed for five days every month and don't die, can't read a map, are irrational and think shoes are great then I think your case is a tad weak.
Tough choice, huh? Here's an idea. Let's vote for them all - to sod off to Grantham.