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Friday 8 June 2007

Four Legs Good, Two Legs Not Happy.



There is a bit of an atmosphere round at Pither Towers at the moment. The soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is not happy...... Not happy at all.
I'm sure everyone is familiar with the typical outward shows of displeasure. The ephemeral Mrs P's conversation has dried up over the last couple of days to just the occasional "yes", "no", "whatever" or "put that away". Doors which can be quietly closed now have to be frame-rattlingly slammed. Crockery usually carefully stacked away or lifted out is now crashed about. Footsteps about the house of a once soft, feminine and gentle creature have been replaced by the stompings of an elephant with PMT.
The cause of this early onset of frost about the place was what could best be termed "a difference of opinion" over the future occupancy of The Towers. In the blue corner, Pither wants two additions, and in the now very red corner, STB EW has countered with the "over my dead body" line.

You see, I want a pig and I want a donkey! I want, I want, I want, I want, I want!!

STB EW has somewhat forcefully pointed out that this particular corner of The Boulevard of a Thousand Broken Dreams is already rammed to the gunnels with animal life. There are four dogs, four fish tanks, a pet frog, a pond once again brimming with koi carp, sturgeons, more frogs and goldfish, a garden packed with nesting birds, bats in the rafters and bees in a beebox. That apart, the flower beds and borders are full to bursting with the coffins and corpses of past animal residents, including four other dogs, a cat and a lobster!
Some may say that the time-limited Mrs P has a point but..............pigs and donkeys are just great!! If dogs are the Jesus Christs of the animal world, then pigs and donkeys have to be among the disciples. Pigs are impossibly cute as piglets and they grow into highly intelligent, loving and loyal, funny, wobbly things. I love 'em. Donkeys, meanwhile, are just the finest hoofed creatures alive. They convey an air of sadness which makes you want to throw a protective arm around them and they too are loving and loyal. They are also frequently dumped or ill-treated and there is a donkey sanctuary near Pither Towers full of the products of this inhuman behaviour.
Thing is, when Pither and Mrs P were at the wedding ring end of the ground, such important decisions had to be agreed mutually. Now we are heading for the Decree Nisi exit into Singledom Street I feel emboldened and free to act independently. To be American for a moment and commit the heinous sin of converting a noun into a verb, I have "sourced" both types of pet. They are more than available and, if not free to a good home, then very cheap. We also have a very large back garden, with loads of grass and other comestibles, room for shelters and a great big green just down the road for more extensive exercise.
Yes, I want, I want, I want, I want! The trouble is,
it would be selfish of me and would irk Mrs P. Decisions, decisions. I am not one to rock the boat or cause upset but, on the other hand........I want, I want, I want, I want.
Advice on a postcard, please. In the meantime, obligations and responsibilities can go to Grantham.

4 comments:

Arabella said...

Why does STBEW object to your having pigs and a donkey for company when she will no longer be living at Pither Towers? Or are you going to have a 'My Wife Next Door' arrangement?
Possible compromise could be for STBE Mrs. P. to agree to the pigs on condition that she's invited over for a bacon breakfact every now and then.

Barry Lawrence said...

Hi Arabella,
Sadly, no. For the foreseeable future it will be a "My Wife In The Same House" situation comedy. We both love the house and don't want to leave and so have this weird arrangement - don't ask me to explain. I can't. The STBE Mrs Pither is a bit of a hippy chick, though, and so it works for her.
I am working along the lines of "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" but something will have to give somewhere along the line.
Yours,
Confused,
Pither Towers.

Anonymous said...

But won't your mad Dingo try to kill, eat, shag or bury the pig and/or donkey??

Love
Big Ears
xx

Barry Lawrence said...

Obviously! I mean, that goes without saying, Big Ears....only.....don't tell the wife!

WEDNESDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2007

SHORTS DON'T MATTER! 1. From the greatest programme ever made about association football, Barnstoneworth United FC manager Mr Dainty delivers one of the finest English soliloqiues of all time.......and afterwards, spare a thought for the club steward's wife Vera (YOU ONLY HAVE TO WATCH HALF OF THE CLIP!!).

Monday, 12 November 2007

Not everyone who agonises over their life is a painter. Some of us agonise because we're NOT painters.

....And On the Subject of Great Public Services

I know most of you have heard this marvellous song by those doctors who are the Amateur Transplants......but I think the video is a nice addition. P.S. If there are kids in the room I'd shuffle them out before hitting play.

...There's More

On the subject of those great doctors, here is their version of More Than Words which presents their challenging views on women outside Watford. The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither, coming from Cumbria, is a huge fan. Again, get those kids out of the room!

Leave Britney Alone, Ok!!!

Oh...........my............God!!!!! My heartfelt thanks go to BGT for this. I won't say much more, I don't need to. Mr Loony of Loonytown, USA (I think it's a bloke, anyway), says it all. I fear he may be wound too tight for.....well.....well for everywhere, really!

Tuesday, 18 September 2007.

I wish I'd sung this! For non-Americans, and with apologies to all the smart arses out there who already knew, the FCC is the Federal Communications Commission and it monitors TV and radio output in the States - a sort of broadcast police - while the EPA is the Yanks' so-called Environmental Protection Agency, a body which does exactly the opposite of what it says on the can. (P.S. We went to the same school, you know? Eric and me, that is, not George, Martha, Dick and Condoleeza and me. I don't think they went to school.) P.P.S. Please see below if you are I Like The View, Malc or Doris.

To Make You Laugh and Cry

I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons. On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 4.2
Mind: 4.1
Body: 2.7
Spirit: 8
Friends/Family: 1.6
Love: 0
Finance: 5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"

I First Saw This When I Was Little - And Loved It! I Hope That Explains a Few Things

Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It has been pointed out to me that, particularly for one whose profession is supposedly literary, my language is getting worse. My use of the "F" word is, I am told, far too prevalent and hence loses impact. To those who share this view I suggest you watch the following:

Tony Blair Isn't a Burglar - But If He Was.........

In the spirit of Gustav Holst's Jupiter and Manfred Mann's Earth Band, I feel like raising a smile today. The Big Green Thing alerted me to this and, for no other reason than to raise a smile on an otherwise crap Wednesday, I think it has to be shared. Grantham shall not have him - when he gets out of prison.

Life On The Edge - No Net.

I was wrong when I feared it might be a dull weekend, what with my pals being away, my soon-to-be ex-wife in rehab and only the dogs to play with. How wrong can a man be? This much fun must surely be illegal? Just click to see the japes and hoots I am having! Click again to see how things got REALLy exciting! Tomorrow we're going to chase pigeons.

The Good Old U.S. of A. - Guardians of Freedom and Democracy. Nothing to Be Scared of, Then?

Be honest........

IT'S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND HIT "FULL QUIZ".