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Saturday 25 August 2007

As Any Incontinent Will Tell You......Happiness Is A Dry Leg.


I'm dead excited!!! It arrived today!!!!! Yes, my order from Grattan Catalogue's Autumn Collection For Unipeds has turned up and so I'm ready to hit the town and turn a few heads.
Actually, I'm getting a bit carried away. My new gear is not really for limping along the catwalk, nor for hopping around places to be seen - unless it's raining heavily, that is. No, the polypropylene Zip 'n' Wash Leggydry 9000 is more for domestic use, notably to enable us dickheads with one leg plastered from ankle to hip to take a shower or, God forbid, even a bath without said casing dissolving into mush.
I ordered the 9000 through a "specialist" supplier who has always proved reliable in the past - the fire retardant Novelty Badgersuit and the X220 Unrottable Currypants having turned out to be excellent value for money and hard wearing garments.

I am looking forward to making extensive use of the ZnWL - I opted for the 9000 as, unlike the 8750, it includes detachable suspenders and a hook-on ashtray - because I have another four weeks in plaster to look forward to and cannot bear the thought of ever again having to shampoo the remnants of my hair over the sink or being reduced to giving my nether regions a wash and brush up with a damp flannel!!! (Oh how I laughed the day I spotted my very-soon-to-be ex-wife exfoliating her face with my "special" genital flannel!! I didn't let on, obviously.)
Anyway, I marked this glorious Saturday by having my first shower in three weeks, courtesy of the 9000. The hose down was all the more opportune because Pither is going out for a drink tonight with a bit of a girlie and so he wanted to smell nice and pack a nicely polished set of reproductive equipment - not that it'll get an airing but I always find my confidence and sense of inner well-being boosted when I've aquavacced the mould and cobwebs off my pant-fillers - don't you?
The ZnWL 9000 shall not go to Grantham, nor shall specialist garments for the larger disabled gentleman of any kind. Hurrah!

4 comments:

Arabella said...

Is "a bit of a girlie" like being "a bit pregnant"?
Whatever the case, have a lovely date. And tell us ALL about it.

I, Like The View said...

spermatazoa, fag, pizza, sleep?

with a hint of romance and a touch of genital flannel (Ooh Matron!)(sorry, that's Carryon not Python) somewhere or other. . .

(you'll unlink me at this rate, and I'll drift back off into the cyberweb whence I came)

(hope you had a nice time tho!)

Barry Lawrence said...

ILTV,

Yes, a nice time was had, thanks.
No, you shall not be unlinked - you are a loony, but a lovely loony and so are always welcome.

I, Like The View said...

you're making me blush

not that that's ever put me off before

glad you had a nice time

WEDNESDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2007

SHORTS DON'T MATTER! 1. From the greatest programme ever made about association football, Barnstoneworth United FC manager Mr Dainty delivers one of the finest English soliloqiues of all time.......and afterwards, spare a thought for the club steward's wife Vera (YOU ONLY HAVE TO WATCH HALF OF THE CLIP!!).

Monday, 12 November 2007

Not everyone who agonises over their life is a painter. Some of us agonise because we're NOT painters.

....And On the Subject of Great Public Services

I know most of you have heard this marvellous song by those doctors who are the Amateur Transplants......but I think the video is a nice addition. P.S. If there are kids in the room I'd shuffle them out before hitting play.

...There's More

On the subject of those great doctors, here is their version of More Than Words which presents their challenging views on women outside Watford. The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither, coming from Cumbria, is a huge fan. Again, get those kids out of the room!

Leave Britney Alone, Ok!!!

Oh...........my............God!!!!! My heartfelt thanks go to BGT for this. I won't say much more, I don't need to. Mr Loony of Loonytown, USA (I think it's a bloke, anyway), says it all. I fear he may be wound too tight for.....well.....well for everywhere, really!

Tuesday, 18 September 2007.

I wish I'd sung this! For non-Americans, and with apologies to all the smart arses out there who already knew, the FCC is the Federal Communications Commission and it monitors TV and radio output in the States - a sort of broadcast police - while the EPA is the Yanks' so-called Environmental Protection Agency, a body which does exactly the opposite of what it says on the can. (P.S. We went to the same school, you know? Eric and me, that is, not George, Martha, Dick and Condoleeza and me. I don't think they went to school.) P.P.S. Please see below if you are I Like The View, Malc or Doris.

To Make You Laugh and Cry

I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons. On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 4.2
Mind: 4.1
Body: 2.7
Spirit: 8
Friends/Family: 1.6
Love: 0
Finance: 5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"

I First Saw This When I Was Little - And Loved It! I Hope That Explains a Few Things

Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It has been pointed out to me that, particularly for one whose profession is supposedly literary, my language is getting worse. My use of the "F" word is, I am told, far too prevalent and hence loses impact. To those who share this view I suggest you watch the following:

Tony Blair Isn't a Burglar - But If He Was.........

In the spirit of Gustav Holst's Jupiter and Manfred Mann's Earth Band, I feel like raising a smile today. The Big Green Thing alerted me to this and, for no other reason than to raise a smile on an otherwise crap Wednesday, I think it has to be shared. Grantham shall not have him - when he gets out of prison.

Life On The Edge - No Net.

I was wrong when I feared it might be a dull weekend, what with my pals being away, my soon-to-be ex-wife in rehab and only the dogs to play with. How wrong can a man be? This much fun must surely be illegal? Just click to see the japes and hoots I am having! Click again to see how things got REALLy exciting! Tomorrow we're going to chase pigeons.

The Good Old U.S. of A. - Guardians of Freedom and Democracy. Nothing to Be Scared of, Then?

Be honest........

IT'S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND HIT "FULL QUIZ".