Greyhounds In The Slips......Mongrels On The Track

Bulgarian women's high jump champion Elena Notitswotsoever is sent home from the games in disgrace after it was discovered she was, in fact, lighter than air.


Always remember, it's not the winning that's important, it's the coming seventh.
So goes the motto of all British athletes and I'm delighted to report that our heroic boys and girls are living up to it at the World Athletics Championship in Osaka, Japan.
They are already heading in droves for the airport and a flight home, all without the worry of having to declare anything at customs remotely resembling a medal. No, the spaces set aside for hoped-for booty in their luggage have instead been filled by "learning curves", "valuable experiences" and "gallant efforts". It's just a pity that those mementos will not, as far as the sponsors are concerned and as my gran used to say, butter any parsnips (Who does sponsor British athletics?.....Fray Bentos? Sketchley's?)
To be fair, we never really stand at chance at these tournaments. You see, our athletes stupidly insist on being.....well......British. You know, they play by the rules and never take performance enhancing drugs - at least I fucking hope they don't!! If they do then God alone knows how piss poor they'd be if they were forced to go cold turkey!!
No, Johnny Foreigner just refuses to play fair and it simply amazes me that more drug addled athletes aren't found out. The problem, as I see it and to use a cliche, is that the boffins at the IAAF are failing to see the wood for the trees. They are placing far too much reliance on their test tubes and chemical reactions when less sophisticated and more tried and tested methods of detecting cheats would provide more satisfactory results.
Take for instance the women's discus competition which I have just watched. No doubt the lab boys will take urine or blood samples from a random selection of the competitors after the event and then subject them to analysis. The trouble with that is, not only does it take an age for the results to come through, the cheats have become ever more sophisticated and now pump themselves up with chemicals which do not show up under existing testing procedures. Why not instead just take a look at the athletes!!!
Of the eight or so women competing in the final of the discus (each of whom weighed about 25 stone but had absolutely no tits), four smoked a pipe, three had beards, two had Adam's apples and the overall winner insisted on continually scratching some obvious bulge in her Lycra shorts which resembled two cricket balls and a baby's arm holding an orange!
I fear some, if not all, of these "ladies" might just have been taking some kind of illicit substance and it is my theory that it is a testosterone derivative - all that without recourse to a laboratory, expensive chemicals and a time-wasting analytical procedure.
Come home all you brave British lads and lasses - leave the cheats to get the medals....and the bus to Grantham.