Board Meeting

I know I am watching too much television, what with being laid up 'n' all, but there is only so much reading a Pither can do and, more and more, I find myself escaping my incapacity by metaphorically crawling into that box in the corner, in much the same way as people used to escape their tenement existences through a bottle.
With that in mind, it's telly-selly time again, I'm afraid, and I'd like you to picture, if you would, the following scene:
That pillar of the corporate world JML has hit hard times. Competition has sent profits into freefall and so top executives from the elite product development team have gathered for an emergency meeting in a back room of the Duck and Gynaecologist.

Darren: "Fuck me! Sales am lower than Vanessa Feltz's gut. What's gooin' on?"
Wayne: "Dazza, it's the opposition - they keep comin'up with summat new every day. It's killin' us."
Lee: "Arr. Them bastards at K-Tel am raking it in. They've got them Velcro Pubic Post-It Notes, Gusset Glisten AND the Walk 'n' Wank."
Johno: "Dow forget Ronco, neither. 'Ow am we supposed ter compete with the Knoblight and them Easyshit Shorts?"
Darren: "We need a new product, summat as is gooin' to be a must-buy. An essential."
Johno: "Arr, it's gorra be revolutionary, summat as will change the way we think."
Lee: "Summat as pushes the boundaries of technology. Summat ingenious, summat sexy and with a hint of power, danger and adventure."
Darren: "Come on lads, we need some blue skoi thinkin'. Think, dammit, think!"
Wayne: "I've gorrit!"
Darren: "What?"
Wayne: "The JML Ironing Board Cover!!!"
Johno: "Fookin' brill!"
Lee: "'Ooze round is it?"




Jesus! To hear them plug it on the telly you'd think they'd discovered fucking penicillin!
One selling point is that it irons both sides of the garment at the same time! Funny, but I would have thought the only time that wouldn't happen anyway was when you chose to iron your shirts on a blancmange.
Another advertising hook is that it comes in different colours. Shit! What will they think of next?
I can't see it being a winner, really. Then again, if THEY can sell bottled water, supposed "anti-ageing" creams, "stool softener" and Leeds United I suppose they can sell anything.
As far as I'm concerned, however, the miracle JML Ironing Board Cover has to go to Grantham.