Channel Five is threatening yet another "Diana weekend" featuring yet another "Diana - The True Story" documentary and so, by way of a spoiler, I'm going to tell this story one last time and then hopefully we can all be free from it for the rest of our days.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. The fractured fairytale is as follows:
Episode 1. Spoilt, thick, soon-to-be neurotic little rich girl marries jug-eared adulterer and scared-to-death-of-daddy fellow inbreed.
Episode 2. Bulimic, attention-seeking, now supposedly adult clothes horse whinges to all and sundry about infidelity, drops two grubs, shags militaristic upper class twit of the year, gets divorced on grounds of marital overcrowding and develops love of landmines, gymns, cow-eyed expressions and being photographed.
Episode 3. While jug-eared ex hooks up with aristocratic fellow adulterer and well known horse impersonator, poor little rich girl begins search for most dodgy and unsuitable man in Christendom before finally settling on oily, lounge lizard son of well known foreign criminal.
Episode 4. Foreign criminal junior and by-now-mad-as-a-fish clothes horse go out on lash and take somewhat, in hindsight, unwise decision not to call Regal Cabs but get driven home instead by blind drunk, gassed out of his brains employee of foreign criminal senior.
Episode 5. Laa-laa-land chauffeur tries to take bend in tunnel at 4,567,983 mph, finds steering somewhat unresponsive and ploughs into concrete pillar, killing Ms C Horse and suspected drug addled boyfriend.
THE END.
Can we just fucking leave it be now......please?
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13 comments:
You old romantic, you.
Romance....I remember that. It's something to do with putting your rude part in a lady, isn't it?
no, that's sex
romance is the bit that comes before sex
and is never then seen again
:-)
sh*t - I HATE that!!!! now I know why everyone was so pissed of with me when I put comment moderation on for a while. . .
(and you can't leave it quite yet, cos the ten year anniversary thing hasn't happened)
see, actually this is fab
cos I now know you are there!!
(but you were right about her being a bit thick. . . I have that first hand, see, so I can vouch for it)(only thick compared to me mind, so that's not saying much)(she probably had better punctuation)(actually, she probably didn't)
So, let me get this clear. Romance comes BEFORE the in-out-in-out-shake-it-all-about thingy but is never seen again afterwards? Is it the bit where she gets her purse out in the pub?
As to the marking of anniversaries, as Lee Dorsey whined in the marvellous Working in A Coalmine...."How long can this go on?"
I away to ma bed noo, hen. Get some sleep.
and this is brilliant - now I'm ending my day as I began it, choking with laughter on my drink
ah - from tea to V&T in a few short hours. . .
;-)
actually, it's so long since I've had either I'd totally forgotten
romance comes after sex (which naturally follows paying for a drink in a pub), for a brief five minutes. . .
. . .and then is never seen again
the sex lasts for a little while longer and then fades into non-existance too
then, as you quite rightly point out, it's time to get some sleep
oh thank you, thank you. i am so sick unto death of the peoples princess. the poor dead thing has been headlining in the popular press here at lest once a week ever since she married chuck! and she's been dead longer than my grandson's been alive?
WHO CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARES!
*falls to the floor twitching and foaming*
*which is the part that comes after the 'shake it all about' bit*
*that same out wrong but i'll leave it*
ILTV,
Little girl, you've had a busy day. Night, night.
First Nations,
Not so much "England's Rose" as "England's Millstone".
The bit which comes after the shake it all about bit, by the way, is, in order:
spermatazoa, fag, pizza, sleep.
putting me to bed so early in our fledgling relationship?
ok, I can take a hint
however. . .
(I'm so crap at shutting up and taking hints)(sorry)
. . .I'd like to quibble with your order, but I'm not going to; seeing as it's not my blog 'n' all. . .
*sits on hands in order to avoid temptation*
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