Children of the Damned

Have you ever seen Children of the Damned? No, I don't mean Mark and Carol Thatcher. I mean that superb and chilling 1964 film? I've got it on tape if you want to borrow it.
It's a sort of Nietzscheresque tale about a gaggle of hyper-intelligent youngsters able to communicate merely by telepathy and with incredibly advanced powers of thought control capable of making all bow down before them and obey (it stars Jimmy Clitheroe, The Krankies and Charles Hawtrey as Flange The Merciless......no it doesn't, I made that bit up).
Anyway, it's time to pack up your possessions and flee to the hills because, if our educationalists are to be believed, it appears that THEY are back. This year's O and A-Level results would indicate that we are currently being buoyed up amid a sea of giant teenage intellects at the proverbial feet of which we, with our puny minds, are not worthy of grovelling (how's that for a mixture of metaphors?).
The Government was delighted to report that a healthy 236 per cent of all pupils who sat A and O-Levels passed this time around. Of those, an encouraging 2,347,941 per cent obtained A grades in everything they sat and 5.4 billion per cent of those got at least 18 hexadecimal star As.
The How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up Matriculation Board revealed that maths results were particularly pleasing at O-Level, with all pupils successfully answering the one question on its exam paper, namely "I go out to Wetherspoons with £50, buy 16 Diamond Whites, an Ecstasy tab and a flaming knob cocktail - with my change, how many johnnies can I buy from the machine in the bogs?" Of particular note were the results in Margate where 89 per cent of pupils who took maths at either O or A-Level were awarded Nobel Prizes.
The board's A-Level chemistry paper, which challenged candidates to "EITHER mix up as many things as you can in one of those dick-shaped, glass test tubey things until it goes brown OR point to one of your ears, was passed by all who sat it.
The Hartlepool Technical College Examination Board also revealed that its O-Level set text for English this year, namely Kafka's The Trial, proved no problem to students, all of whom were able to successfully colour it in inside the allotted three hours. In Harpenden alone, 2,356 new Pubescent Poet Laureates were created.
Yes, we have produced a veritable master race and the future looks safe in the hands of our youngsters but I think we have to give credit where it is due and pay thanks to those responsible for this massive evolutionary leap forward. None of this would have happened had it not been for the Thatcher and Blair governments. It was they who had the foresight to force schools to sell off playing fields to raise money to pay for repairs to their roofs. It was they who brought about the charming habit of parents staging raffles and school fetes to raise money to buy basic books and equipment. Thatcher was the one who introduced the magnificent Local Management of Schools which, at last, stopped teachers ruining kids by teaching them and instead turned them into accountants and finance directors.
The virtual abolition of exams and the introduction of continual assessment finally gave children the chance to get their parents and teachers or the internet to do their work for them and so freed them from the odious chore of ever having to commit a fact or process to memory.
It was, as well, a stroke of genius to make the questions easier or to offer multiple choice so that more kids would pass and get better grades. It's the educational equivalent of making murder, rape, robbery and drug dealing legal, thereby slashing the crime rate at a stroke. That's on its way, trust me.
Blair in particular deserves extra praise for making teachers concentrate on what they are in school for in the first place, namely to write up reports, tot up figures and respond to seemingly endless requests from the DfES for charts, tables and graphs.
To think, in my day talents such as becoming a father at the age of 14, doing fuck all work at school, not being able to spell or add up and having a vocabulary which amounted to a series of grunts were actually frowned upon.
Yes, we have come a long way. We have produced generations of hyper-intelligent children in whose hands our future is surely safe. A cursory glance out of your window might disabuse you of this notion but don't worry, it is a fact - the figures prove it. Statistics never lie.
Having said all that, the education of our children, the modern examination system and, in fact, anyone under the age of 25 can fuck off to Grantham!
P.S. There is a prize for the first wanker to point out a literal, spelling mistake or grammatical error in the above. The prize will be a personal visit from me and my alsatian.