Calculating Pie.

I have a choice tonight. Play Russian Roulette or go hungry. The choice, on the face of it, may seem simple but I am in a quandry because my stomach is in a knot and I could eat a scabby horse. What to do?
My dilemma was seeded more than a fortnight ago when the freezer packed in because it was crammed to the gunnels with foody-type things. Turns out, the freezer only works when there is a bit of air in there to circulate and keep everything frozen. Mine was so jammed-full it was a virtual vacuum and so "stuff" was starting to thaw.
I decided then to suspend my wanton ways, stop building food mountains and start working my way through the comestibles I had stockpiled, a meal at a time.
I managed to chomp my way through frozen pizzas, vegetables, quiches, fishermen's platters, prawns, fish, stewing steak, chops, Saddo Vesta Chow Meins-for-One, the remains of my soon-to-be ex-wife (joke!) and the like and was rather proud of coming up with a different, passable dinner every evening. Sadly, the game is now over. I looked in tonight to discover that the ONLY item left in the freezer drawers was a bag, simply labelled "pie".
I didn't put it there. It's not one of my stupid purchases. It was definitely sneaked in there by STB EW. Who else would label something which was so evidently a "pie" as "pie" - without expanding on it?
The contents of the bag are, indeed, pie-shaped. It has a pastry lid. It is the depth of a pie and it is round like the best pies. The only problem is - what the fuck is in it?!?
Preparing and cooking potatoes, carrots, peas and the like to go with it, together with a nice, oniony gravy, is going to be a bit of a waste of time if it turns out to be an apple pie. Conversely, ice cream or double cream and fruit is going to look a bit silly, not to mention undigestible, with a steak and kidney pie.
The third option is that it is a pie of who-cares-what type which, despite being frozen, was fashioned by Egyptian slaves who intended to eat it after working on the pyramids but they then died of exhaustion before being able to hit Gas Mark 4. It could contain lots of little nasty things which will turn my insides to liquid if I eat it and then put me in a body bag afterwards.
Decisions, decisions. Now I think about it, I bought the dogs a fresh sack of complete food today and so, with a bit of instant Bisto, I could have a safer option.
No, I have decided, dog food for Pither, playing Russian Roulette with anonymous pies to Grantham.