A Real Goer - Battery Not Included.

It's always a worry when a loved one is unwell (83p). I am worried because one I truly love is poorly (£1.66). The patient?..................... my car (£2.49)!
Don't get me wrong (£3.32), I'm not one of those saddos who names their car (£4.15). I have always maintained that these mechanical mean-nothings are merely instruments (£4.98) for getting us from A to B (£5.81). Indeed, I used to flick peanuts and beermats (£6.64) at those morons in rally jackets who used to drone on (£7.47) and on in the pub about how "their baby" (£8.30) was performing. Peanuts and beermats changed to darts and spears when they (£9.13) continued rambling that they had tweaked the overhead-camshaft-suppository-injection-turbo-grommet ( £9.96) to make "her purr like a kitten". Sod off and, if possible, die (£10.79)!
Men are often obsessed with cars but I am most definitely not (£11.62). You put petrol in and hopefully it goes. That's it for me (£12.45). My brother and I once stopped speaking for two years following an argument (£13.28) over the relative merits of Top Gear and Coronation Street. My standpoint (£14.11)? Suffice to say, I thought, and still think, that Jeremy Clarkson was a walking advert for abortion (£14.94).
So, why do I love MY car? Well, I think it's because we are so alike (£15.77). My motor - note, not a "he" or a "she" - is aged (£16.60), unfashionable, with faded looks (£17.43), dodgy nuts and an overall air of having seen its best days (£18.26).
It is 21 years old this year and has (£19.09) 186,000 miles on the clock (honestly!) - I think only the Space Shuttle has more (£19.92). It is bald (in the tyre department), not attractive to women and coughs and splutters first thing in the morning (£20.75).
"The Wardrobe", as it is affectionately known by my pals (just imagine one on its side) does, however, cater for four dogs with ease, can also carry (£21.58) a small orchestra and never usually fails to get going (£22.41).
That record of faultless service lasted until this morning (£23.24). The Wardrobe just refused to start and it turned out that the battery was dead - a new one will apparently cost me £60-plus (£24.07)! I have, therefore, booked it in to see my regular mechanics (£24.90) - well, I say mechanics but they are more like antique restoration experts (£25.73).
God bless you, pile-of-rusting-metal-of-my-dreams (£26.56). You shall be healed.
Henceforth, only wholly valetudinarium Volvos shall go to Grantham (£27.39).

**** POSTSCRIPT: For those of you bemused by the intermittent insertions of bracketed, monetary figures in the above post, let me explain. I just thought I would keep a tally of how much David Beckham is set to earn, in the time it has taken you to read this, when he moves to L A Galaxy from Real Madrid - it's 83p-a-second, by the way.... (£28.23!!!!)