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Sunday, 7 January 2007

A Dalliance with Double Entendres and Glorious Mornings.

I shall keep this as clean as I can but it is going to be difficult and so readers of a sexually repressed nature should look away now.
One of three things is happening. Either television advertisers are becoming more subversive (immoral motives among the product pushers? Surely not?), they are becoming more stupid (is that possible?) or I am becoming a sex-obsessed, dirty old man (I know, I know. It has to be the odds-on favourite).
I have found another apparent double entendre-laced advert which has left me asking: "Do they mean what I think they mean?".
Regular sufferers of this blog will recall a raising of the Pither eyebrows when brain-dead Andie McDowall gushed about the barnet colourant which she boasted dyed all types of hair, "even those wirey little ones".
Well, another vacuous TV bint has turned my mind to things pubic. She advertises Iams cat food.......No, it's NOT a pussy reference. Stop racing ahead.
This woman bullshits on and on about how special her fucking cat is and so only the finest mange-ridden, scabby, diseased, minced up carthorse meat will do for him. The fact that the feline fleabag probably spends its evenings chewing up congealed mice, rotting birds and, on occasions, its own shit when it is hungry enough, seems to have escaped her! She concludes by summing up her feelings for this murdering, little bastard with the words: "I don't know what I'd do without my furry alarm clock."


Gratuitous, yes, but very appropriate.

Ok, it probably IS just me, but what exactly is her "furry alarm clock"? I have one which activates at approximately 5am every day - about half an hour before my radio-alarm starts buzzing - and it has done ever since I was about 12. Some times it even wakes me up but, whatever effect it has on my consciousness, ladies of my acquaintance have been particularly fond of it over the years. I have to admit a certain affinity for it myself. One could call it a furry alarm clock. I think of it more as a The Dawn Dirigible. The overall phenomenon is, of course, called Morning Glory. There, I said it.


Ok, I lied about the pussy reference!

Is Catwoman referring to her husband? If so, what has he got to do with her bloody cat? Does she mean her "rabbit" or some kind of fur-coated, battery operated device? It's a similarly meaningless reference, in that case. I assume, obviously, she means that a pussy squatting on her face wakes her up. Well, that would certainly do it for me. Sorry, this is getting unnecessarily pornographic.
No, no, I'm sure it's just me. A product, I'm afraid, of my work. You have to be able to spot potential double entendres in whatever you write and so they teach you very early on "dirty mind, clean copy".
Oh well, if alarm clocks have to be divided into two distinct types, I would rather the people of Grantham have the ones you find in alarm clock shops.

5 comments:

NYD said...

Don't quite understand the Grantham thing, seeing as I live on the other side of the world, but I'll keep coming back ntill I figure it out.
Cheers,
NYD.
P.S. Myabe Andie McDowell got herself a little terrier and she was talkin bout his little, wirey ones...

Barry Lawrence said...

Hello NYD, thanks for stopping by at the personal grief hole which is Pither's world.
If you go back to the first post on his blog on November 22, 2006, there is a Grantham for Beginners explanation - written, appropriately enough, in blood red!
As for Andie McBraindead's little wirey ones, the possibility of a dyed dog is interesting.............but I still think she's talking about buffing up her bush!
Keep in touch.

Anonymous said...

Will do

Anonymous said...

WHO is that harlot woman touching up her chuff and WHEN did she borrow my cat to pose with her in this tasteless and obscene photograph?

Evelyn Carnate
Independent Retail Strategy Consultant (Ann Summers Industrial Handling Division)
Lower Furtling
Bucks

Barry Lawrence said...

She is a woman I found in one of my specialist Danish art magazines. Your cat always comes over and stares at me when I plan to visit Jodrel Bank.

WEDNESDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2007

SHORTS DON'T MATTER! 1. From the greatest programme ever made about association football, Barnstoneworth United FC manager Mr Dainty delivers one of the finest English soliloqiues of all time.......and afterwards, spare a thought for the club steward's wife Vera (YOU ONLY HAVE TO WATCH HALF OF THE CLIP!!).

Monday, 12 November 2007

Not everyone who agonises over their life is a painter. Some of us agonise because we're NOT painters.

....And On the Subject of Great Public Services

I know most of you have heard this marvellous song by those doctors who are the Amateur Transplants......but I think the video is a nice addition. P.S. If there are kids in the room I'd shuffle them out before hitting play.

...There's More

On the subject of those great doctors, here is their version of More Than Words which presents their challenging views on women outside Watford. The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither, coming from Cumbria, is a huge fan. Again, get those kids out of the room!

Leave Britney Alone, Ok!!!

Oh...........my............God!!!!! My heartfelt thanks go to BGT for this. I won't say much more, I don't need to. Mr Loony of Loonytown, USA (I think it's a bloke, anyway), says it all. I fear he may be wound too tight for.....well.....well for everywhere, really!

Tuesday, 18 September 2007.

I wish I'd sung this! For non-Americans, and with apologies to all the smart arses out there who already knew, the FCC is the Federal Communications Commission and it monitors TV and radio output in the States - a sort of broadcast police - while the EPA is the Yanks' so-called Environmental Protection Agency, a body which does exactly the opposite of what it says on the can. (P.S. We went to the same school, you know? Eric and me, that is, not George, Martha, Dick and Condoleeza and me. I don't think they went to school.) P.P.S. Please see below if you are I Like The View, Malc or Doris.

To Make You Laugh and Cry

I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons. On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 4.2
Mind: 4.1
Body: 2.7
Spirit: 8
Friends/Family: 1.6
Love: 0
Finance: 5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"

I First Saw This When I Was Little - And Loved It! I Hope That Explains a Few Things

Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It has been pointed out to me that, particularly for one whose profession is supposedly literary, my language is getting worse. My use of the "F" word is, I am told, far too prevalent and hence loses impact. To those who share this view I suggest you watch the following:

Tony Blair Isn't a Burglar - But If He Was.........

In the spirit of Gustav Holst's Jupiter and Manfred Mann's Earth Band, I feel like raising a smile today. The Big Green Thing alerted me to this and, for no other reason than to raise a smile on an otherwise crap Wednesday, I think it has to be shared. Grantham shall not have him - when he gets out of prison.

Life On The Edge - No Net.

I was wrong when I feared it might be a dull weekend, what with my pals being away, my soon-to-be ex-wife in rehab and only the dogs to play with. How wrong can a man be? This much fun must surely be illegal? Just click to see the japes and hoots I am having! Click again to see how things got REALLy exciting! Tomorrow we're going to chase pigeons.

The Good Old U.S. of A. - Guardians of Freedom and Democracy. Nothing to Be Scared of, Then?

Be honest........

IT'S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND HIT "FULL QUIZ".