Dry my pants, I'm dead excited! I've just seen a great new advert on the Devil's Lantern! You can collect rocks! Honest! This is not a drill! It's a fucking winner! I can't wait to start my collection.
You buy this pointless, banal, stupid, fuckwit magazine called Secrets of the Stones or something and each fortnight you get A FREE ROCK!!! There are blue rocks, purple rocks, green rocks, all sorts of coloured rocks. They come in a pyramid shape, a football shape, a knob shape, an egg shape and a something else shape. Over the months they build into an untidy and yet colourful pile of rubble on your lounge carpet. When you get bored with your rocks (as if!!!) you can always read the magazine - it tells you about your inner self. I thought my inner self was made up of nicotine, beer and shit but apparently it's not.
The first issue is £1.99 and subsequent ones are £4.99. That means that for the meagre outlay of about £300 you can get your hands on an utterly useless pile of debris. In marketing terms, this has to be a real triumph.
Why didn't I think of it? I think I shall have to get in quick with another winner. How about a magazine about pus and each fortnight you get a sachet containing the bacillus of a rare skin disease? Gotta be worth a try.
To Make You Laugh and Cry
I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons.
On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"
| This Is My Life, Rated | |
| Life: |  4.2 |
| Mind: | 4.1 |
| Body: |  2.7 |
| Spirit: |  8 |
| Friends/Family: |  1.6 |
| Love: |  0 |
| Finance: |  5.9 |
| Take the Rate My Life Quiz | |
Shaggy Blog Stories
4 comments:
Dear Reg,
I've been reading your blog on Grantham am planning to do a story about it in the Grantham Journal.
Although I acknowledge the lightheartedness of the process of "Granthaming" things, I think the people of Grantham may feel slighted by some of the things that they are being lumbered with.
Is it fair? It's a long time since Mrs Thatcher was PM - surely Sedgefield deserves a bit of the flack now.
What was it that prompted you to start your blog?
Have you ever visited Grantham to find out what it's like?
I'd be interested in your thoughts.
You can get in touch with me at bob.hart@granthamjournal.co.uk
Many thanks.
Bob Hart
Chief reporter
Dear Phil (although possibly Mal),
Oh perleeeease!!!
We talk about one possibility for the blog and this is the best you can come up with!
I am too cynical for this type of ruse to work anyway but, in addition and unfortunately for you, Bob Hart used to work on the Evening Mail until he left to go to the Journal. He is in contact with a mate and I happen to know that just before Christmas he moved to the Hull Daily Mail, even though he may still be listed at the Journal.
Better research next time.
Yours,
"You'll Have to Get Up a Bit Earlier Next Time". xx
Not guilty
Farmer
Sorry Phil - like it's not the kind of thing you would do!!!
Ok, Mal Baby, j'accuse!
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