The Strain of Being a Gorilla.

I am on a health kick. It's taken 46 years but I've decided to eat sensibly at last.
The focus of this lame attempt to live longer is to eat more fruit and fibre. Well, to be honest, to START eating fruit and fibre.
The mantra has it that you are supposed to eat five portions of fruit-a-day and as much bran as you can - so that is what I am doing. Bananas, apples, tangerines, grapes, plums, pears and, of course, the dreaded All Bran.
Fruit, I have to admit, is very pleasant. All Bran, however, is akin to rat droppings exuded through a mincer. Despite that I am persisting, although I have to admit there are two definite downsides.

The first is a somewhat delicate matter. How can I put it? Let's just say that I have become a stranger to the toilet and I have an overriding fear that when I finally do "evacuate" I am going to die an agonising, horrible death as I give birth to a faecal breeze block!
"Gorilla syndrome" is the second problem. Did you know that, while not being hunted, gorillas spend their time doing just four things? They occasionally sleep and they occasionally make little gorillas. I would then estimate that 25 per cent of the remaining time is spent eating fruit and fibre in the form of any vegetation they can get their mits on. The outstanding 75 per cent of a gorilla's leisure time is spent on a hobby which arises directly out of their diet - they fart!
Should some boffin ever manage to connect a gorilla's bottom to an outlet pipe and then hook it up to a methane-fired generator, it could light and heat a small town. That is why gorillas have such huge, distended stomachs - well, that and the All Bran effect!
I am no doubt healthier these days but I risk an appalling death and I have become a social pariah, although a partial answer to the energy crisis in Small Town!
Hey ho! No, fitness-induced flatulence can be the preserve of the people of Grantham from now on. I must sign off now - I've got to go and open a window.