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Saturday 27 January 2007

The Strain of Being a Gorilla.








I am on a health kick. It's taken 46 years but I've decided to eat sensibly at last.
The focus of this lame attempt to live longer is to eat more fruit and fibre. Well, to be honest, to START eating fruit and fibre.
The mantra has it that you are supposed to eat five portions of fruit-a-day and as much bran as you can - so that is what I am doing. Bananas, apples, tangerines, grapes, plums, pears and, of course, the dreaded All Bran.
Fruit, I have to admit, is very pleasant. All Bran, however, is akin to rat droppings exuded through a mincer. Despite that I am persisting, although I have to admit there are two definite downsides.

The first is a somewhat delicate matter. How can I put it? Let's just say that I have become a stranger to the toilet and I have an overriding fear that when I finally do "evacuate" I am going to die an agonising, horrible death as I give birth to a faecal breeze block!
"Gorilla syndrome" is the second problem. Did you know that, while not being hunted, gorillas spend their time doing just four things? They occasionally sleep and they occasionally make little gorillas. I would then estimate that 25 per cent of the remaining time is spent eating fruit and fibre in the form of any vegetation they can get their mits on. The outstanding 75 per cent of a gorilla's leisure time is spent on a hobby which arises directly out of their diet - they fart!
Should some boffin ever manage to connect a gorilla's bottom to an outlet pipe and then hook it up to a methane-fired generator, it could light and heat a small town. That is why gorillas have such huge, distended stomachs - well, that and the All Bran effect!
I am no doubt healthier these days but I risk an appalling death and I have become a social pariah, although a partial answer to the energy crisis in Small Town!
Hey ho! No, fitness-induced flatulence can be the preserve of the people of Grantham from now on. I must sign off now - I've got to go and open a window.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ha ha - Reg on a health kick! Ha ha ha ha....

Love
Big Ears

WEDNESDAY, 21 NOVEMBER 2007

SHORTS DON'T MATTER! 1. From the greatest programme ever made about association football, Barnstoneworth United FC manager Mr Dainty delivers one of the finest English soliloqiues of all time.......and afterwards, spare a thought for the club steward's wife Vera (YOU ONLY HAVE TO WATCH HALF OF THE CLIP!!).

Monday, 12 November 2007

Not everyone who agonises over their life is a painter. Some of us agonise because we're NOT painters.

....And On the Subject of Great Public Services

I know most of you have heard this marvellous song by those doctors who are the Amateur Transplants......but I think the video is a nice addition. P.S. If there are kids in the room I'd shuffle them out before hitting play.

...There's More

On the subject of those great doctors, here is their version of More Than Words which presents their challenging views on women outside Watford. The very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither, coming from Cumbria, is a huge fan. Again, get those kids out of the room!

Leave Britney Alone, Ok!!!

Oh...........my............God!!!!! My heartfelt thanks go to BGT for this. I won't say much more, I don't need to. Mr Loony of Loonytown, USA (I think it's a bloke, anyway), says it all. I fear he may be wound too tight for.....well.....well for everywhere, really!

Tuesday, 18 September 2007.

I wish I'd sung this! For non-Americans, and with apologies to all the smart arses out there who already knew, the FCC is the Federal Communications Commission and it monitors TV and radio output in the States - a sort of broadcast police - while the EPA is the Yanks' so-called Environmental Protection Agency, a body which does exactly the opposite of what it says on the can. (P.S. We went to the same school, you know? Eric and me, that is, not George, Martha, Dick and Condoleeza and me. I don't think they went to school.) P.P.S. Please see below if you are I Like The View, Malc or Doris.

To Make You Laugh and Cry

I was listening to this on a Sunday, the very-soon-to-be ex-Mrs Pither is a Catholic, Tom Lehrer is one of my all-time heroes and this is one of his best.............no other reasons. On a more sombre note (and with thanks to Fish for coming up with this Woman's-Own-passes-the-time-in-the-dentist's-waiting-room nonsense), why not get a computer to tell you that you are a waste of space and your life is a sham of a mockery of a farce? Ok, it's from one of those poxy dating sites but...go on, take the test. You ain't got much to beat!!
This Is My Life, Rated
Life: 4.2
Mind: 4.1
Body: 2.7
Spirit: 8
Friends/Family: 1.6
Love: 0
Finance: 5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz
Apparently, in my case, "computer say 'no!'"

I First Saw This When I Was Little - And Loved It! I Hope That Explains a Few Things

Fuck, Fuckety, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

It has been pointed out to me that, particularly for one whose profession is supposedly literary, my language is getting worse. My use of the "F" word is, I am told, far too prevalent and hence loses impact. To those who share this view I suggest you watch the following:

Tony Blair Isn't a Burglar - But If He Was.........

In the spirit of Gustav Holst's Jupiter and Manfred Mann's Earth Band, I feel like raising a smile today. The Big Green Thing alerted me to this and, for no other reason than to raise a smile on an otherwise crap Wednesday, I think it has to be shared. Grantham shall not have him - when he gets out of prison.

Life On The Edge - No Net.

I was wrong when I feared it might be a dull weekend, what with my pals being away, my soon-to-be ex-wife in rehab and only the dogs to play with. How wrong can a man be? This much fun must surely be illegal? Just click to see the japes and hoots I am having! Click again to see how things got REALLy exciting! Tomorrow we're going to chase pigeons.

The Good Old U.S. of A. - Guardians of Freedom and Democracy. Nothing to Be Scared of, Then?

Be honest........

IT'S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK! JUST SCROLL DOWN AND HIT "FULL QUIZ".