A Touch of Class.

I have been regally shafted - by, appropriately enough, Royal Mail! Who the Hell is in charge of their deliveries policy these days? A descendant of Dick bloody Turpin or Ronnie Biggs?!?
Right now Reg, "relax, focus, breathe" - I must remember what the doctor and the psychiatrist told me.................... I now have inner-calm and so shall continue.
I had to send a package down south today. No, that's not a toilet-time euphemism. I actually had to send a parcel to some friends in Kent. I went into my village to do that but first I had to stop off at the bank to pay some credit card bills - isn't it eery how Lloyds TSB Visa and Barclaycard have both opted for an APR which matches exactly the inflation rate in post-war Germany? Anyway, I digress. On to the Post Office.
It was a heavy parcel I had to send and I was told it would cost £7 to go "ordinary First Class". Without thinking, I decided to send it "registered delivery" instead, to be on the safe side. How much? Go on, ask me, how much? I'll tell you - £18 bloody 50p!! The present in the parcel only cost £25!! Jesus, who were they getting to deliver it? The Sultan of Brunei on the back of flaming Shergar? "Oh, that guarantees delivery tomorrow," said the Post Mastery-type person. "It's not going on the fucking Space Shuttle, is it?" I enquired, scarcely controlling my rage. "Kent's not THAT far, surely. I'm not asking to send some plutonium to Alpha Centauri, you know."
What I don't get is that when I was alive, thousands of years ago, sending something First Class meant that it got there the next day, so long as you caught the noon post. Second Class meant the day after that or possibly the day after the day after that. What system have we got now? "That'll be £x, please, or £2.64x if you want the job done properly."
I'd like to see how we got on if everyone adopted Royal Mail's pricing policy. You buy pie and chips at the Deranged Fryer and the guy behind the counter says: "That'll be £2.50 or did you want them without the botulinum bacillus? That would be an extra £10." Maybe at Dixons they'll start saying: "Oh, yes, it's £80 for the Ear-Death 9000 CD player, or £28,340 for one that actually works."
It all started with this "class" bollocks. Virgin Rail is the world's leading authority on it (see previous rants). "Hello, poor, fuckwit, sap of a customer. Right, it's £30 to go to London. It is, however, £230 for a First Class ticket but for that you will not actually have to stand up for the entire journey, your seat WILL be larger than a three-month-old child's potty, you will not be in a carriage so BO and fart-odour-ridden that you will have to hold your breath all the way and your chances of catching scabies, rabies, smallpox, chicken pox, Blue Water Fever, green monkey disease, a range of skin conditions outlined in our 'on-board magazine', the HIV virus and head lice will be dramatically reduced."
Yes, I know they had First, Second and even Third Class in the "good old days" of British Rail. However, as regards that, I am reminded of that great line from the equally great book and TV series A Very British Coup. When a journalist asked the newly-elected socialist Prime Minister if he would abolish First Class travel he replied: "No, but I do intend to abolish Second Class travel. I think everybody's first class, don't you?" Here, here, my thoughts exactly.
Anyway, Royal Mail - to quote Partridge, "sub-human scum". It's off to Grantham you go.